Randy Miller

Wow, 2016 was a crazy year for the Miller Family!

Cathy was up for a big promotion this year. She was far and away the most qualified person for the job, having spent the better part of her career gearing up for the position. She had worked a number of similar jobs that prepared her for what was to come. It was something she had dreamed of for a long, long time.

But then a few weeks before the committee was to make their decision, I decided to apply for the position. I didn’t have any experience to prepare me for the role. I really didn’t have experience doing much of anything. Everything in my life up until that point had pretty much just been handed to me.

Nevertheless, I went in for the interview. I told them I wanted to “Make This Office Great Again,” and their eyes lit up. “Finally!” they seemed to say to themselves. “Someone who’s willing to tell it like it is!” I could see they weren’t really that excited to hire Cathy. I mean, sure, she was the most qualified person. No one disputed that. But she just didn’t…look like she should have the job.

If you were to ask them now, they couldn’t tell you exactly why they felt that way. It probably had something to do with a deep-rooted cultural misogyny that permeated the very fabric of their…oh who cares. Too many big words, right?

Anyway, I could tell they were totally buying what I was selling. I started talking about all of the reasons their company had been going downhill lately (even though it really hadn’t). More importantly, I told them who was to blame.

“Isn’t it a little strange,” I said, “that all these terrible things started happening around here right about the same time that everyone just started to look a little…different? Like, what’s up with how they dress and how they talk? It’s just not right.”

They were eating it up, I could tell. So I kept going.

“And the thing about Cathy is, can you really trust her for this position? I mean, I hear A LOT of people saying that they just don’t trust her.” That last bit really sealed the deal.

I got a little nervous toward then end of the interview because I farted really loud and then threw up all over one of the committee members. Fortunately, no one seemed to notice. Either that, or they just didn’t care.

I got the call a few days ago. The job is mine! I mean, technically, more people on the committee wanted her for the position, but apparently that didn’t matter. What mattered was that I worked the system, I figured out how to manipulate the game, and I won.

I’ve already started preparing for the new job. I hired a blind, retarded monkey to serve as my assistant. I’ve also started working on my big plan to bring back typewriters and rotary phones. I think during the interview I told the committee I was going to get us all new computers, but whatever. It doesn’t matter what I said to get the job. That was just words!

Oh, and in case you’re wondering what happened to Cathy, she’s at home now. I mean, she has like three kids. I don’t know what she was thinking leaving the house and trying to start a career. She really should have known better.