It is revealed that M. Night Shyamalan is, in fact, all members of the band Coldplay. Observe:

1999: The Sixth Sense is released. It’s amazing! What a debut from a first-time director. Nominated for six Oscars, makes close to $300 million at the box office.

2000: Coldplay releases Parachutes. It’s a gorgeous debut album. Simple songs, beautiful melodies. RIAA certifies it double-platinum.

2000: Shyamalan wastes no time. Unbreakable is released and it’s incredible. An amazingly crafted comic book-come-to-life. A perfect follow-up. This kid’s going places.

2002: Coldplay releases A Rush of Blood to the Head. It’s a masterpiece. Their sound has expanded. The songs soar. The intimacy is gone but it has been replaced with a sound that feels solid and mature. Great sophomore effort. These kids are going places.

2002: Signs is released. An interesting movie. A claustrophobic take on the Alien Invasion trope. No armed forces, no explosions, just a simple tale of a former pastor and his family, and how they deal with it. Of course, there are some…problems. Not sure why an Alien race that melts in water like the god damn Wicked Witch of the East would come to a planet that’s, you know, 70% water. And there’s that alien who can leap from the ground to the top of a roof but is somehow baffled by some dude’s pantry. Anyway, good movie.

2004: Shyamalan presents The Village. OK, not bad I suppose. Nice tale. He loves the twist ending though, doesn’t he? I guess that’s his thing. Perhaps he’s leaning on it a bit too much.

2005: Coldplay releases X&Y. So I guess they’re going strong with the whole arena rock thing. Maybe they think they’re the next U2? Maybe they are…maybe. This one is very popular, no doubt. It’s just…kinda…bad.

2006: Lady in the Water. OK, that’s probably enough. You can stop now.

2008: Coldplay releases Viva la Vida. Empty, void of all substance. And that falsetto thing, man, he’s got to stop. Maybe it’s time to take a knee, fellas.

2008: The Happening. No. Just, no. I told you to stop. You didn’t stop and now I’m getting mad.

2010: The Last Airbender. OMG STOP.

2011: Something called Mylo Xyloto? There’s a song called Every Teardrop a Waterfall? What the ever-living fuck. They have lost all credibility. I am now hesitant to tell people they did my wedding song.

2013: After Earth.  …….wow what a piece of shit.

2014: Ghost Stories. Is this a Shyamlan movie or a Coldplay album? Wait a minute…what if they’re the same? It makes sense in a way. It explains how two separate artists that started off at such a high level in their respective industries could spend the entirety of the last decade nose-diving into the depths of mediocrity.

2015: A Head Full of Dreams. Yup. Shyamalan definitely wrote this album.


What a twist!!

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